Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
