I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
