so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
