thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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