why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
