saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
