I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
