I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
