ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
