i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
