I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
