he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
