ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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