I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Drunk is a universal language darling
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
