We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
