I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
