Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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