The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
