apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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