I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
