he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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