its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
