Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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