he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
