im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
