The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
