Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
