shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well I just put wine in my tea
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
