Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
