I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
