i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dignity is for republicans.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
