Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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