I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
