I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
