9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The air taste purple.
Randomize
