he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
