I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
