Define "chronic" masturbator.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
