we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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