Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
