I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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