I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
