I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
they need to just BURY HIM!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
