He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
