I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
