At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
