I'm so fucking centered right now
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
