Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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