the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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