In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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